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I claim no copyright to any of these jokes, I get them from many, many different
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(Just click on the title of the Joke you want to read)

At the Bar    Divine wisdom    Oral Sex    Death Row    Drunk and Proud     

The Jewish Samurai    Get the Lawyer     Chinese Torture    The Southern Belle

Satan & Smithville     The Raffle    A Henpecked Husband    PORSCHE FOR SALE

    A Very Shy Guy    Every Family Has One    Buttercups

Time To Clean House?     Expectant Fathers        Stranded

    The Ten Commandments of E-mail    Penguins    Bobbitt Hillbillies 

Sexual Relations   

Fred     Real Age    Now Where Did I Put...     The Ultimate Computer    

The Happiest Dog in the World    An Engineer    Top 10 Cyber Burnout Warning Signs    

Keeping One's Word    American Tourists

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At the Bar...

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came
in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the
barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish
whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus
down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,
who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a
glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was
Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the
Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into
the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that
God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to
give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched
him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt
the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out
the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you
are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his
hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

Back to Ingredients

Divine wisdom

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to
play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
couldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on
the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and
everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with
this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit
the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it,
rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you
let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

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Oral Sex

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you
want it all the time ... and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When
you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...
maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about
you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said,
"She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom.

She yells, 'Screw You,' and I holler back, 'Screw You too.'"

Back to Ingredients

Death Row

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row
waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping
him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing
happened.

Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be
released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the
biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over,
you might make this thing work."

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Drunk and Proud

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically
through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if
he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the
pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called
"Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I
had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of
course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know.

Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then,
the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey,
which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out
of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

Back to Ingredients

The Jewish Samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful
emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he
sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send
a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese
samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese
samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2
pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese
samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead
on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is
really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish
samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..."
So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out
pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH.
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing
around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is
the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely,
you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

Back to Ingredients

Get the Lawyer

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking
along he road, Every time he would see a lawyer walking on the side of the
road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud, satisfying
"THUMP!". Then he would swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was going along he saw a priest hitchhiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to church
5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll
give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the
passenger seat and the truck continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved away,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD!!". Not understanding
where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see
anything, he turned to the priest and said,

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Back to Ingredients

Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with
a long gray beard.'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the
night?'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man'.

'OK,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the
stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him
during the meal.Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went
up to bed alone.During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into
her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room,
exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a Large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read,'Chinese Torture 1:Large rock
on chest.''Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the
old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.'He picked the boulder
up, walked over to the window and threw he boulder out.As he did so, he
noticed another note on it that read: 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.'
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of
the window after the boulder.As he plummeted towards the ground he saw
a large sign on the ground that read,'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.'

Back to Ingredients

The Southern Belle

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee
and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the
Yankee and asks, "So where y'all from?"

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and
replied, "I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a
preposition."

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when
the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where
are y'all from, bitch?"

Back to Ingredients

Satan & Smithville

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts,
the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families,
and the like. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from
the Evil Incarnate.

Soon everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man who is
still sitting calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his very presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man replies "Yep, sure do." Satan says "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says "Nope, sure ain't. Satan, obviously perturbed, says "And why
aren't you afraid of me? " "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

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The Raffle

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night when
they decided to go in for the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each,
seeing it was for charity and all, and the following week, when the raffle was
drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole years supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six months supply of extra-long
gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the third prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were
enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I", said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good, mate," Harry said. "I reckon I'll go back to paper...."

Back to Ingredients

A Henpecked Husband

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said.
"Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.
He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face,
and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me.
I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table,
go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys.
You are going to stay at home where you belong.
Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?
"I certainly do," screamed the wife, "the undertaker."

Back to Ingredients

PORSCHE FOR SALE

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly
announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very
unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a
joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and
she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost
brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found
that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you
selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off
with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and
the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "

Back to Ingredients

A Very Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour
of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, "Ummm, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP
WITH YOU TONIGHT!!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which he responded at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
$200 DOLLARS??"

Back to Ingredients

Every Family Has One

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the
hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining
consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical
joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't
worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the
hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and
since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?"
and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you
come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew.

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Buttercups

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks
off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the
right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of
the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the
ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the
golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my
buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an
entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn
out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?"
she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there
whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"

Back to Ingredients

Time To Clean House?

I clean my house according to some simple principles
that are easy to remember:

1. If you have just stepped on something and danced
around in pain until you slipped on a magazine, it is
probably time to pick up again.

2. If you find your scissors by feeling around your
dining room table until you feel something hard of the
correct shape, it's time to clear off a few things.

3. If you need a gas mask to open your fridge, you might
think about throwing away some of those leftovers.

4. If you drop your comb in the bathroom and you pick
it up with more hair than is currently attached to your
head, it's time to sweep.

5. If the neighbors are circulating a petition about the
state of your yard, you might consider cutting the grass -
but only if you've failed to buy them off with a doll dress
or two.

6. When sorting newspaper, ask yourself if anyone asked
for it in the last six months (or the last time you sorted,
whichever comes later). If no one has, throw it out.

7. If your feet stick walking across the kitchen floor, it's
time to mop.

8. If it takes more than 20 minutes to find your kids when
you wake them up in the morning, it's time to have them
clean their rooms - use new doll dresses or Power Ranger
stuff as incentives.

9. If you haven't seen the floor of your car for a week
because of the Happy Meal litter on the floor and 'wash me'
is written in the dust on the outside of the car, it's time to
take the hint.

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Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir,
You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride.
"I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You
sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for
the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one
down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the
nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man -
who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife
had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?"
asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure,
he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had
just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and
after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him
whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."

Back to Ingredients

Stranded

There were these three guys stranded on a desert island.
They'd been there a long time, as they had plenty of food and
water, but no way off. One day a big box drifted up to the
shore. They excitedly opened the box, only to find a bunch of
trash and old rags. At the bottom, though, they found a
magic lantern. Remembering the story of Aladdin, they rubbed
the lamp furiously, and lo and behold a genie popped out. The
genie was very glad to be out of the lamp and agreed to grant
each of the guys any wish he may desire.

The first guy said, "You know, I was rich and powerful back at
home. I had a multi-million dollar corporation, fast cars,
faster women. I jet-setted all over the world, eating fine
food, drinking fine wine, seeing the world's wonders. My wish
is to return to the life I had."

POOF!! He disappeared.

The second guy said, "Well, I didn't have what that guy has.
I just had a job down at the local gas station. But I have a
beautiful wife, three beautiful and wonderful children - a
really nice and fulfilling life.
My only wish is return to my home."

POOF!! He also disappeared.

Now it was the third guy's turn, "Gosh, I didn't have a life
at all like either of those two. I'm not rich. I'm not
powerful. I'm not married. I'm not anyone's dad. I didn't
even have a job or a girlfriend. My life was pathetic. The
happiest days of my life were spent right here on this island.
You know, my wish is for my two buddies to come back."

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The Ten Commandments of E-mail

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light
of the dawn.

And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto
others.

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Penguins

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While
doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of
the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back
seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do
with them but, I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The
clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the
zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm
taking them to the beach."

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Bobbitt Hillbillies (Contributed by RobbieRose)

(Sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named John
A poor ex- marine with a little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife,
Penis that is.
Clean cut. Missed the nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride,
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend,
Curve that is.
Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back,
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air,
Found, that is.
By a fence. Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart to long,
So a dick doc said,"Hey I can fix that dong,
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited til they heard that Johnny peed.
Whizzed that is.
Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short,
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker is the only thing they didn't show on tape,
Video that is.
Unexposed. Case closed.

Y'all sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear.

Back to Ingredients

Sexual Relations

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching
television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife,
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife
replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas
card from them this year."

Back to Ingredients

Fred

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford.
He played it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.
Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship,
so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game,
and a very vigorous sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy went to Cindy and said,
"I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a
favor."

Cindy said "Okay."

The guy said "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?"

Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said "sure, you can borrow my eyebrow
pencil."

The guy then said "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a moustache on you?"

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay."

Then the guy said "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man."

Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says "Well I guess so."

Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"

Cindy, very dejected, says "I guess not."

So the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says "Fred, you won't
believe who I've been sleeping with these past four months!!"

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Real Age

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spent $5000 and felt
really good about the result. On his way home he stopped at a newsstand and
bought a newspaper. Before leaving he said to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am???"

"About 35, " was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man said, feeling really
happy. After that he went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order
taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?" "I
am actually 47." That made him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asked an old woman the same question.

She replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down
your pants and play for about ten (10) minutes I will be able to tell your
exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought, "What the hell", and let her
slip her hand down his pants. Ten (10) minutes later the old lady said,
"Ok, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man said, "That was very brilliant!!! How did you do that???"
The old lady replied, "I was standing behind you in line at McDonalds."

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Now Where Did I Put...

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their
family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother says, "Not
yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again...and once more the
mother says, "Not yet!"

Finally one of the anxious relatives says, "Well then...when can we see
the baby?!?"

And the elderly mother says, "When the baby cries!"

And he asks, "Why do we all have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put the damn thing..."

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The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's
production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman
stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to
any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the

Ultimate Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father"? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers
always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".

Clever Dick laughed.

"Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as
computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try
again?

Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is
my mother's husband"?

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your
father is still fishing off Florida."

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The Happiest Dog in the World

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on
his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming
as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with
Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over,
shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump
through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the
balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied,
"he seemed a little depressed to me."

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An Engineer

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left.
Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

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Top 10 Cyber Burnout Warning Signs

1) you are at a loss for words, when you're real life mate calls from
another room.."watcha doing in there, honey"?

2) you have a bicycle mirror attached to the side of your computer...

3) you wonder why your kids are not in school, then it dawns on
you, "its summer already"?

4) you have figured out 3 ways of quickly hiding your chat screen
cause someone's looking over your shoulder...

5) you put the dog/cat/kid outside to play before logging on...

6) you are spending more time explaining to your online lover(s)
that all the others are "just friends", and you really Have taken
a great interest in Ancient Rome...

7) you are ordering out for coffee..

8) you have discovered a great new use for phone cards..(hehe)

9) you refrain from having real life sex, in case you happen to
"get lucky" online..

and the # 1 reason of warning that you have cyber burnout....

10) you actually start drinking what you ordered in the room.

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Keeping One's Word

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their

money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even
attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only
could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also
spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining
brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral
and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying
for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must
say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and
deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He
was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused
his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he
concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

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American Tourists

An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking the streets of a
small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing the middle of the day and they didn't
want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel-- the only one in town and which
always served meals promptly. They came upon an old herder perched on a stool
beside his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the man asked, "but could you tell me the time?"

The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached under his
camel....and hefted the animal's testicles. After a moment, he released them. "It
is 10 minutes before noon," he replied. The couple exchanged confused looks,
thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving just in time for the
meal.

Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again on the same street
and spied the old herder perched beside his camel, apparently unmoved.

Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal's balls---an old
Muslim craft?-- they approached him and asked again, "Sir, can you tell us the
time?" They watched closely as he again reached up and grabbed the camel's
jewels, seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, "It is half-past four."

The couple excitedly exchanged looks. The woman blurted, "Oh, sir! That is an
amazing ability you have! Could you show us how you do it?!?

"Surely," the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside him.
"Now, grasp his balls gently and lift them up to his belly." The woman did so
while her companion watched. "What now?", she inquired.

"Now," said the old man, "look over there--can you now see the clock in the far
tower? When the big hand is on the......."

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More to come!!