Here ya go Junkies, a place to bash you're favorite Lawyer!
(or at least a place to get the latest lawyer joke!)

Gotta good lawyer joke you'd like to share?
e-mail it to me, and I'll see that it gets on here!
 

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Legal Matters

Just click on the title of the joke you want to read
and *POOF* there it is! hehehe!

Love Letters    Ethical Problem     Three Questions

Robbers vs. Lawyers    Is Mr. Smith There?

A Bilingual Lawyer    Justice has Triumphed!

Trapped!!    Courtroom Laughs    The Accident

The Guard Dog    Get the Lawyer

Two Lawyers and the Naked Lady

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Love Letters

A guy walked into a post office one day to see a middle aged balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then took out a perfume bottle
and started spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he went up to the balding guy
and asked him what he was doing. The man said, "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentines cards signed, 'guess who?' "

"But why," asked the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

Back to Legal Matters

Ethical Problem

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services.
The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills.
After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills
had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

Back to Legal Matters

Three Questions

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?"
asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Back to Ingredients

Robbers vs. Lawyers

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.
The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives.
The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted.
"We got out with $25 between us."

"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!",
the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

Back to Legal Matters

Is Mr. Smith There?

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning
after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the
receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand
me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said
the exasperated receptionist.
"Mr. Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed.
"I just can't hear it often enough."

Back to Legal Matters

A Bilingual Lawyer

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time
and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and
an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up
behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're
under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's
message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried
under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot
me.'"

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Justice has Triumphed!

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case.
The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town
when the jury came back with its decision, which was
for the lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client
reading "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Back to Legal Matters

Trapped!

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Back to Legal Matters

Courtroom Laughs

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Back to Legal Matters

The Accident

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss
and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his
friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the
leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Back to Legal Matters

The Guard Dog

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that
specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he
wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner
offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog,
snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in
mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an
even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried
to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog,
panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He
seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is
tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a
lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

Back to Legal Matters

Get the Lawyer

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking
along he road, Every time he would see a lawyer walking on the side of the
road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud, satisfying
"THUMP!". Then he would swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was going along he saw a priest hitchhiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled his truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to church
5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll
give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the
passenger seat and the truck continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved away,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD!!". Not understanding
where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see
anything, he turned to the priest and said,

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Back to Legal Matters