For all of my Joke Junkies who, like me,
adore Little Johnny and his antics...
A page just for his deviltry!!
The background music is "Baby Elephant Walk"
(I like it!!)
Do you have a Little Johnny joke that isn't posted here?
If so, PLEASE e-mail it to me!
(Just click on the mailbox)
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Mommie and Daddy
Cats, Dogs, and
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's
Fieldtrip Little
Johnny Watching his Mom
Bad Things
They Died In the
Service?
Little Johnny and
Homework Little Johnny,
Sleeping Late
The Salesman
and Little Johnny Little
Johnny and Math
Little Johnny
and the Poker Game Staff of Life
Little Johnny at the Bank Birthday Gift
Little Johnny and More Homework
Little
Johnny Fixes Tea
Little Johnny's Vocabulary Little Johnny
and Sunday School
Click here for More Jokes
Click here for Blonde Jokes
Click here for Lawyer Jokes
Mommie and Daddy
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school.
He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla
ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now.
It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him,
she says,
"Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the
utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up
the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end
table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the
top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some
ice cream!"
Back to Troubles'
Cats, Dogs, and Little Johnny
Johnny is sitting in biology class. The teacher says that an interesting
phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter. No other animal in the
world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct Miss", he says.
"Please explain Johnny", replies the teacher. "Well Miss, the other day I
was playing with my cat on the stoop and the neighbors Great Dane came
around the corner. The cat went ffffffffff,ffffffffffff, ffffffffff," and
with a pout, Johnny says, "but before he could say F*CK OFF the dog ate him."
Back to Troubles'
Little Johnny's Fieldtrip
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked
to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very
badly."
Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when
you took his picture?"
Back to Troubles'
Little Johnny Watching his Mom
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Back to Troubles'
Bad Things
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where
little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church
yard."
Back to Troubles'
They Died In the Service?
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up
at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-
year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
Back to Troubles'
Little Johnny and Homework
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his
mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned
this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his
teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the
homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's
classroom and confronted Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's
mother told Ms. Jones about Johnny's different way of
doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught it that
way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't
understand why Johnny had said what he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here
in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is
two."
Back to Troubles'
Little Johnny, Sleeping Late
Little Johnny is sleeping in bed, when his mother comes along and
says: "Rise and shine Johnny, time to wake up." Johnny replies, like any
normal kid, "5 more minutes mum." Little Johnny's mother decides to give
Johnny 5 more minutes, so she goes down the stairs and starts cooking
breakfast.
5 minutes Johnny comes down the stairs and is crying
uncontrollably. "What's wrong Johnny?" asks Johnny's mother.
"I had a wet dream last night," Johnny replied. His mother is
surprised, but keeps her composure.
"That's nothing to cry over, is it Johnny?" she says.
"Of course it bloody is," says Johnny. "Now whenever anyone asks
me what the first thing I said after my first orgasm is, I'll have to tell
them '5 more minutes mum!'"
Back to Troubles'
The Salesman and Little Johnny
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman
asked if his father was at home. Johnny said "yes".
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the
salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "yes."
The salesman said,"well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "no, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "no."
The salesman asked why. "Well", Johnny said, "when
my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue."
Back to Troubles'
Little Johnny and Math
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f%$*&ing difference?"
"That's what I said!"
Back to Troubles'
Little Johnny and the Poker Game
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with
friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework,
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be
seen and the card players continued without any further
interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle,
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a
peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."
Back to Troubles'
Staff of Life
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that
you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the
other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
Back to Troubles'
Little Johnny at the Bank
Little Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son
with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind
a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager.
As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at
the woman in front of him and observed loudly,
"Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with
his mother and gave an understanding smile.
Little Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands
as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed
mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly,
"Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and
told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother
threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front
of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.
Little Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice,
"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"
Back to Troubles'
Birthday Gift
Little Johnny: "Mom that bike is just the one I want for my
birthday. Please get it for me."
Mom: "I don't know you haven't been good lately."
Little Johnny: "Puhleeze, puhleeze Mom it's the only thing
I want in this whole world."
Mom: Y"ou've really been bad lately. I have to think about
this first."
Little Johnny: "Mom how do you know when I'm bad?"
Mom: "Jesus tells me."
Johnny runs to his bedroom and kneels to pray: "Jesus, I will
be good for a whole month if you get me that bike."
But thinks, 'Hmmm...I'll never make it for that long.'
Johnny: Jesus, I'll be good for a whole week if you get me the bike."
'Hmmmmm... that's too long too I'll never make it'.
Johnny: "Jesus, get me the bike I'll be good for a whole day."
'Hmmmmmm... can't do that either.'
Little Johnny then runs to his mother's room and gets statue
of Virgin Mary - empties toy box puts statue in center of box
and repacks toys around it - closes the toybox.
He kneels near bed and says "Jesus, if you ever want to see your
Mother again you'll get me that bike."
Back to Troubles'
