Here ya go Joke Junkies, even
MORE jokes for your enjoyment!!
Background music is the theme from the Peanuts
Have a Joke you want to share with other Junkies?
Click on the Mailbox below to e-mail it to me.
Sign my Graffiti Wall
/ View my
Graffiti Wall
More
U.S.D.A 100% Non-Approved Ingredients
(Just click on the title of the Joke you want to read)
Out of Gas? Tire Iron
Coffee Prayer Laundry
Day Wonder and Nicklaus
Cleaning House The Size of Texas Proctologist Exam Like
A Baby?
Bill Gates Meets SatanBroom
Factory Doggy Style Stage Fright Confession
The Hat Heal the Sick
Obscene Call Ghost
Get a Hobby
Click here for Blonde
Jokes
Click here for Little
Johnny Jokes
Click here for Lawyer
Jokes
Out of Gas?
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take
Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she
said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it
with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said,
"Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only
go one time around the block".
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down
the block and there's another dog pushing her home".
Back To Ingredients
Tire Iron
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while
St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is
worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books
several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy,
"You know, I can't see that you did anything really good
in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell
you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed
that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was
this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and
I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting
this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going
on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em,
torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed
a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the
leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up
to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle
around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him
over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone,
you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go
home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Er... about two minutes ago."
Back To Ingredients
Coffee
Prayer
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures: it leadeth me
beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of
consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
addiction, I will fear no Equal(tm): for thou art with
me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of
{{{(Juan Valdez)}}}: thou anointest my day with pep;
my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of
my life: and I will dwell in the House of Starbuck's
forever.
Back To Ingredients
Laundry Day
There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard.
When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet - all the laundry,
except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her
laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the
line when one of the women says to Sophie, "How come when it rains, your
laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul.
If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great
day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg,
I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
Back To Ingredients
Wonder
and Nicklaus
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and
says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad,
the
latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the
way how's the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as
I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my
swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to
be alright."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years." And Nicklaus says:
"But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me,
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to
where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and
again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to
me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder: "We must play
a game sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only ever play
for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that, when would you
like to play."
Stevie Wonder turns around and says "I don't care, any night suits me."
Back To Ingredients
Cleaning
House
I clean my house according to some simple principles
that are easy to remember:
1. If you have just stepped on something and danced
around in pain until you slipped on a magazine, it is
probably time to pick up again.
2. If you find your scissors by feeling around your
dining room table until you feel something hard of the
correct shape, it's time to clear off a few things.
3. If you need a gas mask to open your fridge, you might
think about throwing away some of those leftovers.
4. If you drop your comb in the bathroom and you pick
it up with more hair than is currently attached to your
head, it's time to sweep.
5. If the neighbors are circulating a petition about the
state of your yard, you might consider cutting the grass -
but only if you've failed to buy them off with a doll dress
or two.
6. When sorting newspaper, ask yourself if anyone asked
for it in the last six months (or the last time you sorted,
whichever comes later). If no one has, throw it out.
7. If your feet stick walking across the kitchen floor, it's
time to mop.
8. If it takes more than 20 minutes to find your kids when
you wake them up in the morning, it's time to have them
clean their rooms - use new doll dresses or Power Ranger
stuff as incentives.
9. If you haven't seen the floor of your car for a week
because of the Happy Meal litter on the floor and 'wash me'
is written in the dust on the outside of the car, it's time to
take the hint.
Back To Ingredients
The
Size of Texas
There is a blind man on his way to Texas. He is on the airplane,
and he is in First Class. He goes to his seat, and feels them,
they are huge. He asks the stewardess "Aren't these seats
kinda' big?" She replies "Oh, everythings bigger in Texas."
Then he gets to Texas, and he goes to his room. He walks,
and walks and didn't hit the wall for a few minutes, and he
was walking in a straight line. He asks the BellBoy "Isn't this
room kinda' big?" The BellBoy replies "Yes, everythings bigger
in Texas."
Then he gets thirsty after a little while, and goes down to the bar,
and orders a little glass of beer. the Bartender gives him a gallon
big glass. The blindman feels it, and says "I said a SMALL glass."
The Bartender says "Everythings bigger in Texas."
So after the blindman finishes the big Texas beer, he asks "Where's
the restrooms?" The Bartender says "The third door on the right."
The blindman is walking, feeling the doors, and he trips.
He goes to the 4TH door instead of the 3rd. the 4th door goes
right out to the pool.
The blindman opens the door, and falls in, thinking it was the restroom.
He falls, looks frantic, waves his arms, and yells "DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!
Back To Ingredients
Proctologist
Exam
This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good
proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical
school and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a
cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music
starts playing!
". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...".
Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue attendant and
drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . .
."
The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy
asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the morgue attendant, . "Any a**hole can sing
country music!"
Back To Ingredients
Like A Baby?
A young couple got married, but had never had sex before then.
The new wife said that she wanted to let her husband know that
she felt uneasy because she is very flat chested.
The husband said that it was OK because below the waist he is
built like a baby.
Well the two undressed on their wedding night. And the husband
saw the wife and thought that she is still beautiful no matter what
her chest size.
He then undressed and she was shocked. She said, " I thought you
said you were built like a baby."
He said, " I am, 8 pounds and 21 inches long."
Back To Ingredients
Bill
Gates Meets Satan
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy
and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood,
I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll
be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are
tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where
thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young
blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there
is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing
Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place
of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Back To Ingredients
Broom
Factory
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2
months she gave the boss a two-week notice that she's going to quit. The
boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her
tasks etc.
He called her into his office, "But why?" He asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all." She said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No." She said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." Said the girl, she took off her underwear and
point to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't got this before, it's the broom's
bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and
said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!!" The girl cried with a sob, "I can't wait two weeks, I gonna quit
now, not only you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
Back To Ingredients
Doggy Style
So, these two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's
front lawn.
"Look", he shouts, "What
are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"
The driver, a bit shy and nervous, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a
margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.
So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, "Well. How did it go?"
To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas
just to get her in the front lawn."
Back To Ingredients
Stage
Fright
Two little boys, both age nine, were set to appear in their first play.
The first boy had to say, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to snatch a
kiss
and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to say,
"Hark, a pistol shot."
On the first night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their
first time on stage and their parents were in the front row.
The first little boy came out and said, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to
kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."
This made the second boy even more nervous. He came on stage
and said, "Hark, a shistol pot.....a shostile pit.....a pastal shit.....
shit pot..... cow shit.....bull shit! I didn't wanna be in this damn play anyway!"
Back To Ingredients
Confession
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, " Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes, Father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
No, Father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says, "I admire your perseverance
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance
will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides
over and asks, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys
and three good leads."
Back To Ingredients
The Hat
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner
during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand,
and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with
her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress
upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her
privates for everyone to see.
The policeman came up to her and said, "Ma'am, you should
be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow around, being
indecent, while both hands hold your hat. Everybody is
taking a good look at what you've got. Don't you think that
pulling your dress down is more important than worrying
about your hat?"
"Look, sonny," the old lady replied, "What these people are
looking at is 85 years old.....But this hat is BRAND NEW!"
Back To Ingredients
Heal the
Sick
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist
comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with him and place your right hand
in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."
So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on
his crotch. His wife says, "Gee Honey. He said heal the sick,
not raise the dead!"
Back To Ingredients
Obscene
Call
A little old lady's phone rings late one night, and she answers it.
"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you.
You'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your
clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."
The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement
and replies, "Wow! You can tell all that from a single 'Hello?'"
Back To Ingredients
Ghost
A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the
last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false
alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he
completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed
beyond anything he could possible face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on
him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which
drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?"
And the drunk replied, "I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost!"
Back To Ingredients
Get A Hobby
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he
was going to be stationed a long way from home on a
remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after
he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote
her a letter.
" My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very
long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really
not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're
constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls.
Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not
tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,
"Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed
back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get
you into bed so that we make passionate love!"
"First let's see you play that harmonica!"
Back To Ingredients
Back To Ingredients
Back To Ingredients
Back To Ingredients
